
Helping Each Other: Type 1 - Reciprocity
Besides the social aspects and enjoyment of meeting new people or the intrinsic value and importance of forming personal and business relationships, a major aspect of networking has to do with helping each other. At first glance, you might think of reciprocity or the, more primitive, old saw "I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine".
There is an implied score-keeping to this. If person A does some special favors for person B, then B owes A some favors in return. Ordinary good manners might dictate this. For example, if someone invites you over to dinner, it is considered good etiquette to invite them over to dinner in return. Tit for tat.
When someone I know asks me for a favor and it's not ultra easy and something that seems immediately appealing, I might in a split second consult or construct a mental ledger and consider, has this person done favors for me already so I really owe them this favor in return or not? If they haven't done me a favor, and I don't feel like helping or it seems inconvenient, I might just decline or "beg off" with some excuse or another. I can "with good conscience" and without undue concern, just do what I want and figure my needs are important too and I don't want to help right now in the way I'm being asked to help. I'm good.
Then, there is a darker side of reciprocity. Someone asks me for a favor or I spontaneously think of something I could do that would be helpful to another person but, before I offer to help, I consult the ledger. I want to make sure that I'm not going to wind up being taken advantage of. I don't want to be so generous that it makes my intended benefactor uncomfortable (I'm so considerate you see) and, further, it would be nice if this person has the wherewithal to pay me back later.
I think reciprocity is a good minimum standard to follow in networking but it is short-sighted and doesn't create anything beyond the ordinary. It doesn't generate a virtuous circle. I'm not providing leadership in the situation. I'm still contributing to a status quo of scarcity and selfishness.
I would like to see a different kind of reciprocity that is more generous and more inspired. It wouldn't involve the ledger as a standard. The ledger might still pop into mind, it could still be there in our considerations, but what I would like to see is for us to (1) get in touch with, own and get enthused about our own deep desire to contribute to others, (2) stay in touch with our own needs and keep them in the equation when we decide whether or not to contribute and (3) ask for what we would like from others around us, so that they can experience the satisfaction and self-expression of contributing to us.
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